Everyone loves a good joke, so why don't you type one in... Please.

..................... *Whispers* Someone say something!

(taken from one of my finer works)

There was this guy who had gone to the dentist so many times, he knew the drill by heart. Except this time they accidentally cut off the whole left side of his body - but he's all right now. Meanwhile his daughter was taken to the hospital for eating a roll of quarters. When her grandma called to find out how she was doing, the nurse replied "no change, yet." When her mom went to sign the check, she tried to write with a broken pencil, but soon realized it was pointless. On the way to the car, she wondered why that baseball was growing larger... then it hit her. Her husband stepped on a grape on his way home from the dentist - it didn't say anything but it did let out a little whine.

Back home, they noticed a cop standing over a dog and some puppies on the sidewalk. She was being ticketed for littering. Inside they heard on the news that a short psychic had escaped from prison - there was a small medium at large. They ran out to find that cop, but discovered that someone had drilled a hole into the nudist camp wall. The police were busy looking into it. Disheveled they decided to get ready for their friend's wedding that night. He was a cable guy, so they knew the reception would be great. Sadly, they had forgotten to pay their exorcist this month, and they all got repossessed. The End.

A polic is chasing three dangerous criminals. They escape to a bran and he spots three potato sacks. He pokes the first. "Meow!" It must be a cat. He pokes the second. "Ruff!" It must be a dog. He pokes the last. "Potato!"

This joke is best read when the words "Jesus is watching you" are done with a stretch on the a in watching, and a taunting tone of voice.

SO, as it goes there is this theif who has come to learn that this family is away from their home at the time. I always apologize to those I'm telling the joke to because I can never remember the opening details, such as why the family was away or why the robber came by this knowledge. Accept it a an axiom. It is now an undisputable fact of life that has occured for this joke to exist.

So the robber breaks into this home while the family is away, with his big bag o' loot under his arm. He creeps slowly into the kitchen and empties the silverware drawer into his bag. Throwing the microwave in for good measure, and throughout the house he hears a plaintive cry, "Jesus is waaatching you." Startled, he looks up, north, down, and south, but cannot find the source of this voice.

Next he stalks along into the office. In there he pilfers the phone (in the ancient times, people didn't usually have cellphones, don't forget) and burgles the computer. I do not care what the logistics are of fitting the items he is known to put into his loot bag, I retell this with whatever items I recall. He is fitting in the radio, when again he hears the wail permeate the house, "Jesus is waaatching you." He quickly looks around, left, right, center and back, but he does not see where the voice came from.

Finally, ready to make a clean sweep of the house, the robber moves into the living room. There he performs his most ridiculous feat yet, and stuffs the television into his bag. While he quickly looks for anything else of value in the room, he hears the voice again, much closer. "Jesus is waaatching you." This robber, he thinks he has figured it out, and he turns around to find a parrot cage standing in an unobtrusive corner of the room. He approaches the parrot, "Are you the one who has been saying those things?"
"Yes," answers the talkative fowl.
"Tell me, what's your name, bird?" he asks.
"Moses."
Incredulous, the robber asks the parrot, "Just what kind of family names their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of family than names their Rottweiler Jesus," answers the parrot.

"Jesus is waaatching you."
Kudos to TsAh for starting up this thread.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’, (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’ ‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!’

Pentagon had this problem of having too many generals on their payroll. They decided to offer the three oldest generals to go on an early retirement. Although it took some arguing, the three generals agreed only if they could name two points belonging to their own bodies and would get an extra million dollars for each inch between those two points.
The youngest of the three named the top of his head and his toes, which was measured 5 feet, and he got 60 million dollars in addition to his retirement funds.
The second oldest named his toes and the tip of his fingers, then raised his hands above his head. It was measured 6'3", and earned him 75 million dollars in addition to his standard retirement funds.
The last and the oldest named the tip of his "personal tool" and his balls. The Pentagon was stunned, but figured it would only mean more money for itself. Pentagon got a specialist to measure that small distance, but as soon as the old general's pants were pulled down the specialist yelled "my God, man! Where are your balls?!"
The general laughed and said, "in Vietnam."

Two leprechauns walk into a convent in Ireland, and finagle an appointment with the Mother Superior. The taller, smarter looking of the two leprechauns does all the talking when they finally come face to face with her.

"Beggin' yer pardon Mother Superior, but could you tell me... do you happen to have any midget nuns here at the convent?"

The Mother Superior scowls, "No, we have no midget nuns at the convent."

"And would ye happen to know if there are any midget nuns here in county Clare?"

"Certainly not," replies the Mother Superior. "There are no midget nuns in county Clare."

"One last question if its not too much trouble, but do you happen to know of any midget nuns anywhere in Ireland?"

The Mother Superior, her patience wearing thin replies, "No. There are absolutely no midget nuns at all, anywhere in Ireland."

The first leprechaun turns to the second and smirks, "See? I told ye you were dating a penguin."

Having served for 20 years in the Air Force I can confirm the following
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

There this guy who accidently hit a bunny. So he crying on the side of the road and a woman pulls over. She asked "Why are you crying?" and he answers "I killed a bunney." The woman then saids "I'll fix that" She goes to her car and pulls out a can. She spray something on the bunny. The bunney revived, waved, then hoped away. She hands him the can and he reads. HAIRSPRAY- guarentied to revive any dead hare but will add permanety wave.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally ... I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me spuds this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Dad,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all the BODIES!

Love, Mick



At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.



The next day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick

love the potato joke!

LMAO HAHA That is awesome. So, the son helped his Dad after all. hahaha Classic

Miss Prickit is teaching her 4th grade class on marine biology. They are on the subject of wales and there eating habits. She begins telling her class that a wale can only eat things as big as small fish when little Jannie stands up to ask

"Miss prickit that cant be true whasn't Joana eatin by a wale"

miss prickit thinks for a second and says
" no, no , thats not possible."

little janie speaks up again and says
"well when i go to heaven im going to ask him"

Miss prickit getting a little annoyed says

"well what if joana didnt go to heaven"

Little janie stands up again and says
"Well then you can ask him"