Cheers Everyone!
The greatest thing about playing in RPGs is the stories. They are the magic that brings us back to the table time and again.

I’ve decided to start a series of conversational threads entitled “War Stories”.

The purpose is to once again mull over those wonderful games gone by. To grimace at the questionable decisions and bask in the unquestionable glory, so please post your favorite “War Stories” here.

Each “Epsiode” will have a theme that will help focus the scope of our nostalgia.

This thread’s Theme: Noobs
Hilarious stories of first time gamer hyjinks are encouraged, just remember it’s all in good fun- no Noob Bashing.

Disclaimer: This thread is not meant to start a flame war or poke already sensitive feelings. The thoughts expressed by the posts on this thread are solely those of the authors, and do not reflect sentiments of myself or the moderators, especially if they wrong or just plain stoopid.
I'm new to the Inn, so If you'd like to learn more about me check out my Introduction Post in "Comings and Goings" or my other conversational thread "Why We Love to Hate Them" :Episode 1- Bards
Till then, may all your Hits be Crits and if you fumble may it be Epic and worthy of song.

-Finn

I'm an experienced Dungeon Master (don't hate) who likes to find new players and encourage them to embrace the spirit of the game & not be intimidated by the complex rules.


Below is my retelling of an encounter that I guided a party through.



The Noob in this group was a sweet young woman in her early twenties. She was raised by parents that held her on a very short social leash. Secretly she had always wanted to play Dungeons & Dragons but had never been given the chance to try.



The retelling of this encounter is mostly about her. She decided to play a Cleric of Chaotic Good alignment.



The Party of 1st level characters is confronted by a large and surly Ogre guarding the exit to this particular dungeon. This encounter is meant to have more bark than bite but the players don't know that. All the player characters get ready to roll initiative for one last knockdown drag out fight when our girl does something unexpected,...



(Our Girl)Cleric: I put away my weapons and give the ogre a hug.

Dungeon Master & the rest of the Party: You What?!?

Cleric: I speak to him in his native language and reassure him that his concerns are valid and that no one should be treated that way. If he reacts favorably I give him a Hug.

Barbarian: You don't speak Giant!

Cleric: Yes I do. (Shows the notation on her sheet to the barbarian)

Rogue: Don't bother, he can't read it anyway,...

*Giggles from the other players while our Cleric blinks confused*

Sorcerer: This will all end in tears, I know it...

DM: **Rolls eyes and dice simultaneously. The dice do not favor "reality"**” You've got to be F’ing kidding me!

Cleric: *excited* “Does it work”?!?

DM: **Nods**

Rogue: “You gotta be s***ting me. You'd never do that for us”!

Sorcerer: “Your sweater puppies aren't big enough for him to consider it”.

Rogue: **Grins** “You leave my 52 triple A's out of this. Go pick on nipples your own size”.

DM: *Deflated* “The Ogre slumps into a drippy sniveling lump of gestalt released emotions. He embraces your hug as warm tears and snot pour onto your shoulder”.

Cleric:**Giggles with feminine delight** Can I still move?

DM: “Yes you ca...”

Cleric: “I sing a soothing lullaby,...”

**Groans from the other players at the table**

Cleric: “...and I cast a sleep spell on him”.

DM: **Rolls dice- and sighs** “The ogre curls up, with you in his arms. A relieved expression plays across his haggard face. His hand, thumb extended, drifts slowly toward his mouth”.

Cleric: “Dwahhh. That's so Cute. I remove myself from his grasp and wrap him in a blanket”.

Rogue: “Are we still playing D&D? How much longer are we going to play nap time at Shrek's dysfunctional daycare”?

**Laughter from all around the table**

DM: “Hey, you could stand to learn a thing about creative solutions that don't include you backstabbing the problem”.

Rogue: “Is that like "hide in shadows" or did you mean Sneak-attack? Cause I Sneak Attack. We are playing third edition here, right”?

DM: “Shut up **sigh** yeah okay, so while this is going on,...”

Cleric: **interrupting** “ I Stab the Ogre in the solar plexus, right beneath the ribs”.

Rogue & Barbarian: “ALRIGHT!!!” **both offer High fives to our Cleric turned assassin**

Sorcerer: “Sexy”

DM: “You know that's just going to wake him up, and you'll be the first one he tries to kill”.

Cleric: “Um doesn't that kill him outright, you know solar plexus... like a coup de grâce"?

DM: “ A coup de grâce “?

Cleric: “Yes on page 280 of that book that you lent me to make my character,... under the "Sleep" spell it says it makes the target helpless and in the glossary on page 306 is says you can coup de grâce a helpless target. Did I read that wrong”?

Rogue: “Daaaaamn girl, look at choo' go! Recitin' chapter n' verse n' s***”!

DM: **Blink-Blink DM flips thru the pages referenced and is left feeling beside himself** “Are you saying you had this planned from the beginning”?

Cleric: “No,..not the very beginning ”. **Hesitantly grins like the cat who ate the canary**

DM: “But you,...but you're a,...why,...why, um why bother with the blanket”?

Cleric: **unsure expression** “ Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought I should put that around him to soak up the blood- like on "Dexter". Was that wrong”?

DM: “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal”.

Cleric: **giggles in a way that is sinister and adorable at the same time** “ Mine is an evil laugh,...”

Sorcerer: “I like it, Lets be bad guys”!

Barbarian: “We aim to misbehave,...”


**Laughter and cries of exasperation follow as a smoke/drink/bathroom break is called**



Lesson Learned: There is Nothing so devious as a girl the first time she gets to play D&D.

Sitting at a table eating a bowl of stew and drinking a flagon of mead, Padre couldn't help but overhear an amusing tale from the next table over.
He gets up and walks over.

That is an AWESOME story Finn! Kinda goes against the good alignment, and cleric thing... but an awesome story none the less.


I have a tale of noobs; though my noob tale is a little different.

I was DMing an existing campaign totally stealing the setting from 'The Pool of Radiance'... one of our players had moved away and we needed/wanted someone to fill the void.

A mutual friend of ours who had never played an RPG before and had only ever heard of D&D wanted to give it a try.

It was a lvl 10 game at the time, so as not to be underpowered he started there as a fighter.

The characters were sent out to recover treasure from a textiles factory complex.

The way to the plant was wrought with danger, and they had to run from a number of situations before even getting to the plant. Once they did arrive at the factory they made it in without issue. And they retrieved the treasure...

That was where the last little bit of luck ran out. The most veteran of the game out of all the players... playing an elf rogue stepped on a trap. And this wasn't just some little tripwire oh no... This was a magical trap that caused a large stone wall to appear blocking the road, on an angle set to fall on the group. Along with alarms, fire, and more.

The wall appeared separating the noob from the rest. However with a great feat of strength the fighter was able to stand the wall up straight so that the party wasn't turned into pancakes.

With the alarms blaring the bad guys started to pour out of the buildings all around... and the monsters they had run from on the way to the factory were drawn to the noise.

The veterans started to fight their way out... and the noob ran back the way they came.
Earlier they had passed a guard tower... thinking that being able to see for a distance would be a good thing at the moment the noob headed there.

While still a few hundred yards from the tower, the noob was stopped in his tracks by what he seen before him.
There were goblins in the tower shooting a ballista at his friends who were surrounded by an army of goblins, and orcs. In the distance there were a tribe of ogres coming in to finish them all off.

He knew there was only one choice. He headed for the tower.
He smashed through the almost rotten door and ascended the steps to the top. Despite the plate armour he was wearing he took the ballista crew by surprise and quickly dispatched them.

He then turned the ballista on the incoming giants. Through a series of completely legitimate rolls, he made only critical hits on all of the giants and ogres but one, dropping them in short order.

Seeing their allies being shot down by their own ballista, a host of goblins and the last remaining ogre storm the tower.
Hearing the enemy coming up the stairs he turns the loaded ballista to the door, and...

Pushes the ballista down the stairs, jumping on top screaming out a blood curdling war cry. He then rides the ballista down, plowing through, and over all the goblins on the stairs. Upon reaching the main floor with the ogre standing right there. He fires the ballista (with an impaled goblin on the spear) killing the ogre in one shot.

Seeing this most of the goblins and remaining orcs began to flee. And those that didn't were quickly dispatched.
The party regrouped and won the day.