I'll tell you what you want, what you really, really want
Yeah I'll tell you what you want, what you really, really, want (HA! I kill me!). . .
no, seriously, what you want is to quickly increase your pain threshold. That's it, Sparky! Imp vs Balor is no contest in Ogre's mind. Oh, maybe you could cast Plane Shift, but Ogre think you are in world of pain anyway. Sorry little imp!

Dear Ogre,
What kind of wine do you recommend I serve with roast Rust Monster?

Yours truly
Lord Billdabare

Dear Bildabare
I don't normally enjoy eating Rust monster they have a funny metallic aftertaste. That being said I would probably serve it with Chenin Blanc. A good year say 1943.
Refined
Ogre

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Dear Ogre
I have fallen for a lovely elven maid. The problem is she won't give me the time of day. I have sent her flowers, chocolates,enemies heads, and anything else I could think of but she still won't even talk to me. Every time she sees me she yells "Goblin Goblin" and runs away. I'm not sure what a Goblin is but apparently it's not a very nice creature cause after she yells the town guard attempt to kill me. Maybe Goblin means 'kill it.' I don't know. How do I convince her to at least try to get to know me?
Perplexed
Spelljammer Yiyup

Dear Spellsomting Yipyup

Convince her you are simply ugly gnome. Elf and Gnome get along okay. Maybe she into shorter men. Go find Gnome man, keel him an take his cloth-es. Take his hair too remember cleen off blood first. Then maybe you have a shot. Better get good wing-man too (but not too good, you know?).

Matchmaker,
Ogre

Dear Ogre

Is there any good use for a bullette?

Curiously Signed,
Steve Irwin's Zombie

Of ourse there is. First they make decent entrees if you peel away the hard shell bu more importantly they make good distraction o hit adventurers on head when they dealing with stupid bullette.

Signed a recently feasted,
Ogre

Dear Ogre,
There's this girl. I'm sure most of your letters start this way but anyway.... She's super sexy in her chainmail bikini and long sword. She's super adept at handling long swords and I'm just amazed at how well she uhmm battle cries. The problem is I'm the groups wizard and he doesn't seem interested. She only likes fighters. I multiclassed into a fighter wizard but he still won't spend any time in my tent. It's always the party leader. I hate him! How can I compete with someone who's been wooing girls to his tent since he could swing a sword?

I seem to 'member a spell called that some wizard named Tenser came up with called Tenser's Transfission or something like that. Who would name their kid Tenser? It turned a squishy wizard into a strong more endurant squishy. It took at least five hits of me club to keel him. Try that fer yer battle cryin' baby. If that don't work, fireball the party leader.

Sincerely,
Ogre Mage


Dear Ogre,
Why is it that you never see a female ogre? Every adventure I've been on, every cave I conquered, and every humanoid tribe I've slaughtered I've only ever seen "Ogres" which are inevitably male. How do you perpetuate the species? More importantly, how can you offer advice about women if there are no female ogres?

Sincerely,
Curious Conquerer

Ah yes this one of my favorite subjects. You right there is no female ogres. They died out long time ago. So we make special belts to help with this problem. Belts of Sex Change. During mating season we draw straws for who will be female ogre and then loser puts on belt and changes. They must wear belt for time of baby having then they may become male again and raise baby ogre.

Not it this time,
Ogre

Dear Ogre,
Why do dragons use Giants to guard their lairs? Wouldn't Ogres be better for that?

Sincerely,
Curious thief

Dear Curious Soon-to-be-Ogre's happy meal,

Yeah, I've been watching you and your choice is simple: Hand over dat gold you lifted from me or become my snack! Okay, then--Dragons know us Ogres are too smart and a little too greedy to trust what with all dat gold and jools jus' lying around when Dragon sleeps. So, Dragon hire Giants who are strong but very dumb. Smartest Giant still dumber than dummest Ogre. Plus, Giants have union. It's in da rules. Dragons hafta pay into Giant Retirement Fund to get Giant guards. Boy if a Giant ever live long enough to retire, he'll be richest Giant in world! Den I keel him, take his gold, yadda yadda yadda.

Swiper, no Swiping! Or I eet you! For Realz!
Ogre

Dear Ogre,
I'm an adventurer looking to retire in the next five to ten levels, and would like your financial advice. What investments should I make now to ensure a comfortable retirement. I'm also interested in avoiding taxes on my funds whenever possible.

Signed,
Rexxor the Thei-- *ahem* Freelance Wealth Re-Allocator

Dear Rexx,
When it comes to investing for retirement, you can’t go wrong with Pit Fiends. Yes, I said Pit Fiends. Let’s face it, when it comes down to it, why go anywhere else? A Pit fiend will take your cash and invest it on the TSX – Tortured Soul eXchange. The TSX has a history of steady growth and diversification – trust me on that. As for avoiding taxes, Pit Fiends eat tax accountants for breakfast – literally. I mean it, my CPF and I just shared an accountant on rye. Now A Pit fiend can be considered expensive, but heck, what were you using your soul for anyway?

Signed
The Ogre

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Dear Ogre,

Please settle a disagreement for us. Is a butter knife used to put your butter on your plate, or to spread the butter on your bread?

Signed,
Ettiquettely Challenged.

Butter knife best suited for stabbing butter. If no butter, then knife good for stabbing other things, too! Never thought about buttering bard, though... good idea!

((Whatchu mean he say "bread"? Me know how spell... b-r-e-a-d... Bard... spread butter on BARD!))

XXX,
Ogre


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Dear Ogre,

On a recent adventure I acquired a very lovely and very ancient sword. The weapon served me well in the confines of that dungeon and it's blade never seemed to dull no matter how many enemies I hacked through with it, so i can't complain about the craftsmanship or quality, but, since leaving the dungeon, the bloody thing has been talking to me and insisiting that I take it to some land that I've never heard of and warns of great peril to come if it is not obeyed... What do I do?

Thanks,
Confuzzled in Calimshan

Talking swords are almost annoying as elves, I'd just have a big club smash things with that.

If yous wants the sword though just stick some wax in your ears so you can't hears it.

(Or get an elf to cast Zone of Silence and Permanency or whatever the spell is called on the sword)

Ogre
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Dear Ogre

I have this druid friend who recently reincarnated a dwarf paladin as a centaur as a punishment for disrupting the balance of nature.

I keep wishing I could die so that I could be reincarnated as a centaur now. What should I so?

Sincerely,

Horse_Mad_Peasant

HMP,

This dealicate... I tink dat you need come by lair and we discuz at length. I tink you bring big jar o mint jelly, hear horsey good wit mint jelly... errr... mean... will... will be use in spell, compound or componant or what all.

Sinserly,
Helpful Ogre


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Dear Mr. Ogre Sir,

I recently aquired a new castle, as a reward for finding the King's daughter, and I was wondering if you might give me some suggestions on how to decorate it.

At first I considered something very traditional, you know over the top baroque, lots of tapestries, big mirrors and antiques. But then I started to think that perhaps something more modern, with nice lighting and lots of clean lines might be better for the space.

What do you think?

Thanks,
The Decorating Hero

Dear Hero on HGTV,

Hmm dekorating cassel is very easy da Ogre way. Use lots of hides from keeled enemees and their skulls. Ogre like putting skulls on western side of cassel, hides on southern side, and freeform bone sculpture on north. Leave eastern side open, maybe put some potted plants der. Is all in Ogre's new book "Fung Shway da Ogre Way" Hope dis helps.

Dear Ogre

What kind of games do Ogre children play, assuming there are Ogre children?

Princess Adora

Dear Princess Edible,

In my day, ogre kids played "smash stuff" and "eat stuff" a lot. If ogre mommy let us out late we played "smash adventurer" where we went into dungeons and.... um, nevermind.

Ogre kids today spend too much time on stupid facespace thingy.

Signed,
Old-Fashioned Ogre

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Dear Ogre,

Where do you live? I recently swore a blood-oath to a king that I would purge his land of ogres in return for his daughter's hand in marriage.

Just wanted to make sure you live somewhere else. I enjoy your column and don't want to have to kill you.

Thanks in advance,
Thorough Ogre-slayer

Dear Ogre-Hunter

I live under the desk of Richard "Dick" Chinney, former vice-viscount of the Mystic Pizza Realm. Go 'hed, come get me. I am in a cassel guarded by the Occult Servants of Secrets. The cassel has a moat of magikal marinara sauce. (psst! It's reely lava!) The OSS are armed with extra large Meat Lover's shields and +5 Pepperoni Sticks of Spiciness. If you get past all the cassels defenses, you must then deal with "Dick" Chinney himself, armed with a +4 self-reloading Crossbow of Face Shooting. He shoots his friends--in the face--with it. What will he do to you?

Good Luck, and Good Knight
Ogre



Dear Ogre,
What is your favorite flavor of Ice Cream?

anonymous

Ogre not like I Scream. Ogre like much better when You Scream. Flavor not matter, really, but do get craving for Bard-B-Q chips sometimes... Wonder what nominus You scream taste like???

*stomach grumble*
Ogre

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Dear Ogre,

You've appeared in countless fairy-tales, movies, and, of course, the paths of hapless adventurers over the years and, in a lot of those situations, we are left thinking that you have been slain or, at least, left near death... How is it that you not only manage to keep coming back but, also, looking so good in the doing?

Just curious,
Makeover Mage