Florida is the retirement capital because family members of elderly people have tricked them into believing that Florida is a great place to retire. However, they really just want them to go there because it is environmentally, and economically more friendly to feed their dead relatives to crocodiles than to have them properly buried, and if they die in Florida it is easier to get the bodies to the crocs...

How are you supposed to look up the spelling of a word in a dictionary?

You don't. It's imposkabobble. You look through all the definitions to find the one for the word you want to spell. When the definition matches what you want, you have your word found! Ta-da! Easy!


Why does everything have to either have a jelly for it, or have a jelly made from it (mint, orange, assorted fruits, lamb, ham, rosebuds, cactus, et.al.)?

Because otherwise, the Jelly Gnomes would all lose their jobs and take up valuable welfare resources.

Why are politicians so useless?

Because they are not real. They are simply cardboard cut outs.

Why don't people believe in fairies?

Fairies don't believe in us. They think we are a myth...but they are mythtaken




why do beans give you gas?

Because if they took your gas you'd suffocate.

Speaking of gas... Why aren't there giant bugs any more?

They migrated to a tiny island in the south Pacific, leaving their ambassador (Ralph Nader) to broker a deal to keep them down-played in the current media so they wouldn't be hunted to extinction.


What makes Jiffy-Pop pop?

A small nuclear reactor inside the specially packaged Jiffy-pop container. Another beneficial invention by NASA. Turn off the lights next time you have popcorn, they glow!


Who killed Kennedy?

Don Knotts...as a result, his popular character Barney Fife was never allowed to have a loaded weapon and had to carry his one and only bullet in his pocket at all times.




why do eggs smell so bad when they rot?

It is a device used for helping blind egg collectors. Kind of like handicap parking spaces and adding the smell to propane tanks. You see, the blind egg collectors collect umm.. eggs. Eventually these eggs go bad. The smell forms as a way to tell the blind people that a piece of their prized collection is broken. Otherwise they would never be able to tell.

Why does freezerburned ice taste kinda like garlic?

Because high up in the Carpathian Mountains of Transylvania, garlic is hard to come by...they have to ship it all the way form Gilroy California (the gralic capital of the world)which was REALLY expensive and time consuming. Anyhoo, Ice is NOT hard to come by in the Carpathians so the fine folks in Gilroy started making garlic flavored pellets to flavor their ice thus keeping Dracula away. The craze caught on and now we all have have garlic flovored ice



How much is that doggy in the window?

Would you like him in sausage or steak form. The steak is much more expensive than the sausage, and if you want it premarinated and wrapped in bacon even more.

What planet do oranges come from?

They are from the planet ORANGE JULIUS, sent here on a mission to destroy Earthlings with an overdose of vitamin C and Folic Acid.


Why do I always end up in the slowest line at Wal-Mart?

Because it is actually a Conspiracy against you. A few decades ago (cannot tell you the exact time or I would have to kill you and spoil the experiment) "They" decided to perform an experiment with one goal in mind. To make the line at grocery stores and other applicable establishments slow for YOU. Relax though, there is nothing you can do about it. "They" are everywhere and you cannot hope to defeat them. Besides, from my contacts on the inside I hear that soon you will get a "I just opened my lane and you can come here to check out" break soon. Just enjoy it and know people are looking after you.


Why does my boss insist on me coming to work if I want to get paid?

He works for the same "they" that the grocery store works for.



How is it that my husband uses complex technical data to rewire a multimillion dollar aircraft but is unable to read a cookbook to make a meal?