our party was playing an oriental adventures game.

DM: Ok, ahead of you, you see the dark ladies army, of about 700.

Shugenja: I think we can take em...

Warrior: Ya, let's do it.

Wu jen: its only 700

Ninja: Ya we got this...

Samurai(me): You people are retarded, we JUST started adventuring we don't have enough combat experience for this! (we are lvl 4) My character walks off.

They killed like 8 before being overwhelmed.

"Ok, I'm going to DM..."

..........

Brom. I like that one.

This one happened to me last night. My party was traveling through a grasslands type area. They come across a small nomadic orc tribe in the middle of the day. This band of orcs are particularly sensitive to sunlight. So it is evening and my party discovered this tribe. There are no sentries and the party walks into the middle of the encampment. The sorcerer calls to the Barbarian " hey, wanna burn down these orc tents?" I am pretty sure you can imagine what happened next.

This happend a few weeks ago in a D&D 3.5 campaign that I am running.

The party followed a trail into a clearing with a number of bandits and a locked cage wagon with a handful of prisoners. After they kill off the bandits, and before the rogue woke back up (sleep spell), the CG Cleric (his deity is Garl Glittergold) walks up to the prisoners and says

"Donations?"

After the rogue comes to and lets them out, the prisoners get sent back to town while the party stays in the clearing to decide how to proceed.
CG Cleric: Does anybody need healing?

LG Paladin: Nope.
CN Rogue: I'm good.
CN Barbarian: Naw, we're fine.

CG Cleric: What about those people we freed? Do they need healing?
CN Rogue: Um, dude, they've left.
CG Cleric: Yeah, but do they need healing?
CN Rogue: I have no idea. They're gone.
CG Cleric: Yeah, but do they need healing?
CN Rogue: *sigh* No.

CG Cleric: What about you guys? Does anybody need healing?
Party as one : NO!

halflign was in the middle of the party as we came up on a black dragon she draws her sword and lifts it above her head and charges between everyones legs while sword still above her head yelling "me first me first!"

sounds like something id do...joking

"What do you mean I needed to take Survival? I thought Rangers could already Track?"

Seriously, read the damn rule book, people! You will save your DM (in this case, me) an early aneurysm.

Let's see... i have quite a few, considering how little table top i've been able to try.

Here's a favorite, spoken by my second worst DM (may God curse his dice)

We were walking in the woods, and had just got done killing some random drow rangers (in BROAD DAYLIGHT, that had NO affect on them)

After about two days travel, we come up against what is quite obviously a Hydra, but being new, I made a Knowlede: Nature check to see if I knew anything special that would help:

Me: Natural 20!

DM: Niiiice (shows me entired entry in MM)

Me: Waiiit a minute! This says only found in swamps! We're in a forest.

DM: Well, you guys left the forest a day ago, and have been traveling through the swamps since. (Keep in mind there is no map, he's far too lazy to make one)

Me: And you didnt feel the need to enlighten us with this information?

DM: Well, you guys didnt aaaaask, or make a check or something.

Me: I think i (explitive) know the difference between a forest and a swamp!

DM: But you didnt ask.....


I have soooo many stories like that about this guy.....

This actually happened. Essentially the party was in an old 'abandoned' dungeon and they came into a room with a leaky ceiling.

DM: "As you enter the room the stench is overwhelming, along one side is a stagnant pool of water, clearly green with algae in the torchlight. The echoing sound of droplets tells you the fountain above has been leaking down here"

Goblin rouge (yeah... you can tell already I'm sure): Well I'm thirsty, I'm going to go near the pool.

DM (dumbstruck, of course, tries to be nice): "As you come closer to the pool you can tell it is especially slimy and unsafe to consume."

Goblin Rouge : I lick the slime!

Rest of group, and DM: *facepalm*

And that is when the Goblin was engulfed by the Green Slime....

so we're fighting that hydra right? me and a druid both cast entangle, managing to (obviously temporarily) surround it in plant growth, but even i am under no illusion it will restrain the beast. so we have the mage use (i forget which spell) to set the whole thing on fire.

DM: Ok, roll (i forget how many d6... 4-6 maybe).... but good luck getting any damage. (we had endured bad dice luck thus far)

Me: (Roll) Max damage.

DM: ....... yeah, its a fire hydra... cut the damage in half....

Me: You mean on a natrual 20 i couldnt tell the difference between a fire hydra and a normal one?

DM:.... you didn't ask...

We had just killed a lich before he had become a true lich and we were looking around the cave for his staff. Pickwick (my gnome bard) found the chest with the staff in it as well as 150g. She pocketed 50 for herself before she turned around to show what she found.
Tant's player leaps up out of her chair, points at me across the table and says, "Chaotic good!"
I point right back and say, "Chaotic neutral!" She then did a sense motive check which I was able to pass with my bluff.


Tant's player was also one of two who joined last minute. We were sitting at dinner and most of us were talking about gaming finally and she and Ophelia's player asked if they could join. I texted the dm. Got the reply of sure. On the way to the place were we had meetings until my stalker got creepy, I ended up sending, "Can she play a dog?" I'm pretty sure he face palmed because he didn't respond for ten minutes with a "... fine."
"Can we keep zombie 3?" Eryn asked me tonight, and the rest of my players joined in.