Dear Timmy,

Ogre happy you want to be like Ogre! The best way to be big like Ogre is to rampage village down street. Won't buy cave anyway so pixie village good target!

Signed,
Ogre

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Dear Ogre,

Nobody listens to me! How do I make people understand that I even exist!

Signed,
Tota Lly-Invis Sible

deat to in-sumthing,

swing club, punch babies, set fire to a cat. It how i get known fast!

signed
ogur

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dear ogre,

I have a problem, my wife is hot, my kids are great, and i get paid for doing nothing but playing dungeons and dragons. I dont know how to make things any better!

Pleading for aid,
Iamal Uckisun Ofugun

Dear "I Haz It All"

You need to balance the energy in yor cave by using tips from Ogre's book "Fung Shway Da Ogre Way." If energy bad, soon yor wife get ugly, yor kids will turn to Goblins, and yor dice roll notting but 1's. Den I move in as permanent houseguest as ugly wife and Goblin kids just what Ogre looking for anyway.

Ogre


Dear Ogre,

Zombies are making their way down my street! What should I do?

George Ashton

(OOC note to self: wait until the second cup of coffee to begin posting)

That good question George. Zombies hard. Smash Zombie they get back up; punch zombie they keep coming. Zombie bite you then you zombie. Guess then you not care. Best to stay in cave and light big fire at entrance. Zombie no like fire.

-Ogre

---------------------------------------------

Dear Ogre,

I am making my first club, what kind of wood should I use? Is a big rusty spike in the club good or is that over the top?

Basher in training

As this is first club I would say no to big rusty spike. Hold on to it and put it in good club that you make later after you learn to make good club. The best wood is hard wood that not brake first time you use it. That would be bad.

-Ogre
__________

Dear Oger,

I got caught in rain and now I smell all not bad. What should I do?

Smelling like fresh spring time

dear anonymous,

you poor poor hu man, i feel the pain yu suffering through with cleanness, ogres mum gave ogre bath when ogre was size of bugbear, good news is, she not give anyone bath anymore, go outside cave, rampage a village, roll in mud, hug a goat.

remember the 5 ds to maintain good ogre hygene

Death to all and shower in da bloods
Deficate where yu please.
Dont go into water of any kind it de bad.
Dunk self in mud regularly for good coated finish
Delight in disgusting!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear ogre,

I have a big problem, i'm currently hiding in a tree. Theres a rust monster att he base, and it's gonna cost me hundreds of gold peices if i came down. Help

In heavy armour,
Fulla Plat

It be my experience that such things cost you nothing if you get a sugar daddy. So after you done with Rust monster all you need is find nice old man to cuddle with then poison them and use their money instead of yours.

Living nicely
Ogress

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Dear Ogre,
I recently acquired a new cave. The problem though is the roof leaks and I'm to poor to afford a roofing company to come in and fix it. How would you go about fixing this if it was you're cave?

Sincerely,
Frosticu Wyrmling

Well if cave leaks go get new cave. Find cave with puny owner and pummel them. Then move into new cave.

-Ogre
_______________________________________________

Dear ogre,

I seem to have made an ogre-magi mad at me. He said if he ever sees me again he is going to try out all his new painful spells on me. How do I get on his good side?

-Scared E. Kat

No, No. You got it all wrong. Ogre Magi not mad at you. In fact he like you. He just want to show off for you. But if you want to stay on good side I think you should get friends and visit him. It always polite to bring dinner when visiting.

Hope to see you soon,
Ogre Magi

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Dear Ogre,
My friend gave me this extremely rare baby BloodHawk. But I can't figure out what it eats. Can you help me?

Sincerely
Owner

Dear Oner

If you have wizzerd frends, then go feed it with ther little pets. Wizzerds always have little pets--frogs, birds, rats, bats. Ogre not kno why, but never see wizzerd without his little pet. And they always talking to little pet--wizzerds must be crazy. Then when bloodhawk get bigger, feed it kobolds and goblins, maybe an elf. Hope this helps!

Ogre



Dear Ogre,

How many five-year olds can you take in a fight? You're so big and strong, so it begs the question.

Chuck Lidell

dear lidell

ogur has magical icey enchant on club now, so, aanswer to question is, how fast can yu throw 5 year olds, will determine how many me smash. faster they come more smash, so, me think like 2 or 3 thousand before ogur get tired.

Also, for iceman, yu not retire, me like watching yu punch things.

signed
ogre

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dear ogre,

when i retire i plan on moving to sun-valley resort beaches on the emerald cost. I'm curious, when smashing things gets old, where are you gonna retire?

Quizzically yours,
Livi Neazy

Ogre not good at count. Numbers make head hurt so me tried experiment. Me stack bodies like cord wood and got half cord worth of five year olds. Then ran out of humans.

-Ogre

____________________________________________


Dear Ogre,
Why is it that humans always want to steal my treasure? I put up warning signs but they ignore them so I have to roast and eat them. Gives me heartburn. What can I do?

Fyre the Red Wyrm

Dear, Fire inside

Try boiling them and then mashing them into a jelly, goes good on bread. Also it not five heart burn that way.

Ogre

-----

Dear Ogre

Going to a party, invite said casual but dress to impress. Can I go in just my cow hide or should I ware the Goat Jacket instead.

Not wanting to over dress,

Dear not,

Go Nekked! Ogre always "impress" with his nekkedness

Or, wear a hide-tux-shirt.

Luv,
Ogre

==================================

Dear Ogre,

When are you doing another book/club signing? My son loves you and wants you to sign his club.

Sincerely,
Ogre-Mommy

dear fan,

ogre like, ogre give speshul atograf. bring friend yu no like, me smash with club of choice and give as gift, or i just smash kid, take yu?

signed,
ogre

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

dear ogre,

my wife left me, my dog bit be, my life savings in the stock market just drained, and now im writing this as my house is aflame... whats next?

signed,
Gamov Ur